If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
