i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
