By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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