Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize