When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
