I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
