Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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