he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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