I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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