Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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