1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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