Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We are all done wearing pants today
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
