How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
