then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So much Jack, so little girl.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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