Sry I called you an 8
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I faked an abortion last night.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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