Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
