I think I died a long time ago.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please don't give away my fajitas
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