brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
