Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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