you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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