woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
