im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
third nipple confirmed
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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