if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
