between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
