Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
