you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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