my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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