I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
