I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
