In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
