Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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