So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
