My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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