I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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