I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
