What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
