In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
