i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
