I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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