I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize