She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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