R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
