i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
