Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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