Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
