i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
