Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
