Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
