The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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