Don't make out with my wife yet
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
