I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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