I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
