im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
