Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
