i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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