i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
