Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
