Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize