the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ladies don't puke and tell
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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