DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
