i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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