My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You took a bar mat shot.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
