Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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