That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
