Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
